Presence over Perfection
I lay in bed, exhausted. I do what I shouldn’t do as a mom who is tired from the day. I pull up pictures of my kids from a few years ago.
I don’t do it intentionally; one of my daughters had been looking at pictures on my phone and left the tab open. I stare at their sweet and younger faces from just three years before. I can’t believe how much they’ve changed. But they aren’t the only ones. I’ve changed too.
I think back on those early days as a mother, when I was able to handle a lot on my own. I always wanted to be home with my children, but I didn’t know how much work it would be. In the beginning, it was more manageable. I could clean our apartment, prepare dinner for my husband, and still manage toddler schedules and feel somewhat successful at it.
As the years went by, new responsibilities greeted me. With each new child, more laundry, more food, and more training. As the seasons changed, I had new challenges and hurdles face me not just in mothering, but as Grant’s wife too. There just were not enough hours in a day to accomplish my daily tasks. I had to choose.
I use to crawl in bed with a sigh of accomplishment at my tidy home and a day where I felt I managed most of it well. Now I don’t think that way at all. When I lie in bed at night, I am not thinking of my to do list, but I think instead about how present I was with my children. Did I read Patrick his book? Did I invest in my girls well spiritually? Did I snuggle my toddler? Did I take note of Charles’s Lego machine? I think about my husband too. Did I offer my help? Did I encourage him? Is there anything I need to apologize for?
I still care about keeping my home tidy and making it welcoming. I still care about my daily schedule and to do list. But I guess now I am old and wise enough to know I will never get it all done. I am not that young mom anymore who thinks the days are always long. Now they are ever so short and fast-paced. Every day I have to choose. Saying “yes” to something else is so often saying “no” to them.
When I lay in bed at night, I don’t think about dust bunnies or my appointment calendar, I think about my children. Yes, yes, the rest of everything matters too. We all know that.
But my point is, it doesn’t matter as much. What always matters in all of life is the spiritual reality. That spiritual investment in our children is intertwined in our physical investment of making beds and meals and doing laundry, but we also must be really present. We aren’t just housekeepers or robots. We are mothers.
So I stare again at their little faces in the photographs and I smile. I remember that I did slow down today. I forgot to respond to an email, but I crawled in the playpen at 11am and built blocks with my nineteen-month-old. I didn’t get to mopping the floors, but I laid on the couch and read a book to my five-year-old before he drifted off for a nap. I didn’t dust the living room and I didn’t have time to write, but I helped my son with his spelling test and I listened to him tell me why his airsoft gun is broken and we came up with a plan for fixing it. I didn’t get to read a chapter in the biography I am loving right now, but I did get to watch part of a show with my daughters and we talked about how dramatic the actors and actresses were being.
They’re growing so fast, I say to Grant as he comes into our room. I show him the picture of how much they’ve changed. It hits him too, and we stare for a moment together. Tonight I don’t have the satisfaction of a tidy kitchen or put-away laundry. I know full well I haven’t managed it all.
But I also know in my heart that to the best of my ability, I chose wisely today. I close my eyes, asking God to keep changing me as quickly as they are changing. And I trust Him to give me the grace to do it all again tomorrow.
This article was originally published in the inaugural issue of Logic on Fire Magazine, titled Experiential Christianity. A ministry of Unashamed Truth, Logic on Fire is devoted to thoughtful, biblical, and theologically rich writing that seeks to unite sound doctrine with the lived experience of the Christian faith. Each issue is designed to strengthen the church, encourage believers, and deepen a love for Christ and His Word. Subscribe to Logic on Fire Magazine to receive future issues and enjoy faithful writing from pastors, theologians, and Christian leaders.
